Day 10: Something you're afraid of
I am terrified of the dark. I will not sleep in the dark by myself, I will not walk in the dark by myself, and I'm not always a huge fan of driving in the dark by myself. If I have to park my car outside my garage and walk into my house by myself at night, I will literally grab my stuff and sprint to the door all the while singing to myself, because I am that afraid of whatever lurks in the dark. I think my fear of the dark leads into a bigger fear ... fear of what I cannot foresee. In the dark I can only guess what is going on around me, I can't see for certain, which leads me to not know what will happen next. I don't like not knowing what happens next. I've devoted myself to always anticipating the next step. I don't like not being in control of a situation, I don't like being unable to predict what happens next, and I don't like not being able to "see" the progression of my life. This is why the last year of my college career nearly killed me. I wigged. I was in the dark place almost every day of the last 3 months of my college career. I spent everyday worrying about not having a job when I graduated, having to move home, my relationship with my boyfriend, my relationship with my friends that I had to move away from, and mostly about my life after college. And you know what ... I would like to tell you that I've since realized that worrying gets you nowhere and that you can't control every situation and the only truly great things in life come in unexpected situations ... but I have not evolved that far. I can concede that worrying gets you nowhere ... except to a place where you learn to live on a lack of sleep and that your nails are constantly bitten down to the skin. I can concede that you can't control every situation; however, I'm still trying. I can tell you I know these things, but I still do them. I still sit up and worry about the job, and the boyfriend, and the friends, and now the money. I am still worried sick that I'll never get the life that I want. I still try to control every situation, I still try to predict what happens next, and I still try to anticipate every outcome of that prediction. Do I sound annoying to you? Because I annoy myself ... but the kicker is, I can't make myself stop. I'm so freaking scared of what I can't "see" that I'm driving myself crazy.
I'm taking great, big, scary steps to try and let this fear go. I'm trying to stop the worrying, obsessing, controlling behaviors. This blog is one step. As you can see it's a pretty slow process ... but at least I'm honest.